My heart reaches out...

My heart reaches out in silence because I don't know what to say.

I have a friend, L, who is in the most difficult moments of her life, moments that drag by with a painful understanding, pain like she has never before experienced. Moments that included saying goodbye to her middle child, at least for this lifetime. He was only twenty something. He died November 10, 2009 of cancer.

She and I use to work together. We still work in the same district. Through the years our friendship grew. But we really bonded as 1999 slid into 2000. We were in Dallas at Southfork Ranch (The Dallas TV show) chaperoning the band students who would perform on New Years Day at the Cotton Bowl Game. The band teacher was also a good friend and between the two of them they talked me into going. After all, my daughter was the drum majorette. So, I traveled on a big bus with lots of band students for hours and hours to Dallas, Texas. L and I shared a very nice room on the ninth floor.

She and I have some things in common. We love coffee and must have it upon awakening. We love cats. And most of all, we love our children deeply and soulfully -like most mothers do.

I remember how sad she was when their cat (one eyed) Jack died, she suspected, from drinking the residue of a cleaning product in the bathtub.

Jack made her sad, but this is worse.

L was a daddy's girl. Her dad died a few years ago. This is worse.

Her mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't often recognize her, but this is worse.

I haven't heard her blame God once, but if she did, He would understand.

I've noticed that people want to blame someone for things that go wrong. We blame each other. We blame ourselves. We blame the government or the president. We blame God. Although, blaming is a normal reaction to pain and stress, blaming has never made the horrible- better...not for me anyway. Never! And I’ve tried.

Sometimes when things happen, I ask why. God isn't surprised when we ask "why" or when we are angry at him, or when we blame him for the mess in our lives. I sometimes think it would be great if God were my puppeteer guiding me and mine through life to avoid the ugly. But it doesn't work that way. And I can't really expect him to be my puppeteer one day and then demand to be free the next. He isn't my Santa Claus or my genie in a bottle, and yet I ask him for things, all the time. Give me! God thinks about eternity and we think about the present, because our vision is narrow. That's the way we are. He understands that, too.

No parent should outlive their child. But, we can't control that. Scripture says that our days are determined (Job 14:5 NIV) -measured. We are born. We live. We die. We can't control death. We might think we can, but not really.

Last month was the 33rd year anniversary since the death of a child of another dear friend of mine. The baby girl was almost two when a terrible horrible accident occurred near their home. I didn't know what to say to her then and I don't know what to say to L now, except I love you. And I hope the love and prayers of her family and friends will reach her in the fog of sadness that she has to bear.


  1. Sometimes, words just aren't necessary. Just being there so your friend knows you love her and are there for her are more than enough.

    That's all we can do. Be there, prepared to listen and be a shoulder. Sometimes, that's enough.
    Take care Teresa

  2. I can't even imagine the grief over the loss of a child. It's just unimaginable.

    You're being a wonderful, caring friend...really all that we can do in times like these.


  3. are such a caring person. I know you will find the strength to give your friend what she most needs now....your comfort. Your faith will help you find the way. x

  4. I don't know if that fog of sadness ever lifts, or if it becomes a part of life, wisps of it ever present. How very sad for your friend, and I'm sure her knowing your presence and love does help her through this.

  5. Ow, I am really sad about your friend's dear son passed away. It is very very hard to be able to endure the death of someone apple of your eye. I hope he will be in peace.

    And God... I am unfortunately very confused about him... I hope you don't misunderstand me.

    Keep well...

  6. You sound like the person she needs--a friend who cares--and that's what will make the difference. My husband lost his brother a few years back, his mother said the same things, but what comforted her most was the people who showed up at the viewing just to be there for her---the ones who came and sat and just were. WOrds don't convey what we mean always but a presence does.

  7. Grief has a way of wrapping itself around our soul and forever controlling our thoughts. May your friend find solace for her loss.

  8. Every time I pray I include my children to be under God's protection and I cannot, do not, want to imagine if anything really bad were to happen to them. So far I've been blessed that I have not had very much loss of loved ones in my 58 years of living and what I have had has been made easy by my relationship to God.
    I praise Him every chance I get.

  9. The hurt our friends experience seep into us grately. I have no words either. "Sorry!" is usually all I can get out. Hugging and bringing casseroles by is easier for me to help them weather the storm until the pain slightly dullens, never ever completely goes away, but somehow they come to learn how to live with it, ever present and move on as God would have us do.

    I will say a prayer for L. That God's peace and love and understanding be felt by her.

  10. stopping for a visit to look around and thank you for your support on my blog!

  11. Thank you for sharing. I have thought about this circumstance often as a mother, and as a mother who has a child who has undergone heart surgery, and I wonder if I would blame God at least briefly.

    This life and passing of a life makes me grateful. More prayers from NC.


  12. Thanks to you all for your comments and prayers for L. The memorial service is tonight.It is hard to imagine, if you haven't gone through this type of sorrow. So often with tragedy, I feel guilty if I don't try imagine what they are going through, and yet I don't want to imagine. One thing I know for sure, their family will never be the same, there will be a hole...and so there should be. Have a great day.

  13. this is unimaginable grief and i lost my friend and i can try to understand the grief of his family when i still cannot believe in this but only try... i always pray God for the protection of all people and i hope ur friend find enough strength to endure
    take care of urself


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